Unfortunately my time to be a stay at home mommy has come to an end, well almost. I get one more week to cuddle, laugh, read, play, and soak up every ounce of my sweet boy, before I must return to work.
I knew it was going to be hard, but I wasn’t expecting it to be this painful and scary. My heart feels like it’s being shattered into a million pieces. I cry at the drop of a single mention of the word day care. I cry when I talk about our visits. I cry at our visits. And now I feel terrible for any moment I ever got upset at him or frustrated with a situation. I wish more than anything that I could be a stay at home mommy forever, well at least until he was in school, but I can’t. It’s no one’s fault, it’s the reality of life these days. For those that can, count your blessings.
For seven months it was just Clayton and I, I and Clayton. Every minute of every day. Every tear, every laugh, every first, every smile, every milestone, every page turned in his favorite books. They were all mine. And now, as I’m crying all over again, those everyday emotions && experiences are going to be at the hands of someone else. Someone whose not me. Someone who isn’t going to wipe away his tears, or rub his head just so to get him to sleep. Someone who doesn’t take him for his favorite walks, or read him his favorite story. I’m his one and only mommy. No one can love him the way that I do, and that’s what scares me the most. It is so painfully hard to accept the reality of this upcoming event.
The closer it gets, the more emotional I get. We’ve been visiting day care every other day and at different times to learn their routine, and every time, without fail, I cry. Half the time I don’t even know why I’m crying. They laugh and say it’ll get better, it’ll be okay. He will be okay. And I know this. He won’t even remember this. But I will. It’s so hard not to worry, not to stress out about every little detail of his day, and not to feel like I’m abandoning him to complete strangers. Ughhhh! *Stop crying Tanya!!**
I’m afraid of missing out on his other firsts and big milestones that have yet to come. I’m afraid of how he’s going to feel when I leave him or when I’m not there when he gets upset or wakes up from a nap. I’m worried about this change completely changing his awesome personality or the way that he loves me. Gahhhh this sucks to write, and I can’t even see the screen anymore. I just want it to be Clayton and mommy, mommy and Clayton, FOREVER. 💕
How did you get over the pain and fear? I think I’m a lost cause at this point. 🙁