Why is it so Hard?

Unfortunately my time to be a stay at home mommy has come to an end, well almost. I get one more week to cuddle, laugh, read, play, and soak up every ounce of my sweet boy, before I must return to work.

I knew it was going to be hard, but I wasn’t expecting it to be this painful and scary. My heart feels like it’s being shattered into a million pieces. I cry at the drop of a single mention of  the word day care. I cry when I talk about our visits. I cry at our visits. And now I feel terrible for any moment I ever got upset at him or frustrated with a situation. I wish more than anything that I could be a stay at home mommy forever, well at least until he was in school, but I can’t. It’s no one’s fault, it’s the reality of life these days. For those that can, count your blessings.

For seven months it was just Clayton and I, I and Clayton. Every minute of every day. Every tear, every laugh, every first, every smile, every milestone, every page turned in his favorite books. They were all mine. And now, as I’m crying all over again, those everyday emotions && experiences are going to be at the hands of someone else. Someone whose not me. Someone who isn’t going to wipe away his tears, or rub his head just so to get him to sleep. Someone who doesn’t take him for his favorite walks, or read him his favorite story. I’m his one and only mommy. No one can love him the way that I do, and that’s what scares me the most. It is so painfully hard to accept the reality of this upcoming event. 

The closer it gets, the more emotional I get. We’ve been visiting day care every other day and at different times to learn their routine, and every time, without fail, I cry. Half the time I don’t even know why I’m crying. They laugh and say it’ll get better, it’ll be okay. He will be okay. And I know this. He won’t even remember this. But I will. It’s so hard not to worry, not to stress out about every little detail of his day, and not to feel like I’m abandoning him to complete strangers. Ughhhh! *Stop crying Tanya!!**

I’m afraid of missing out on his other firsts and big milestones that have yet to come. I’m afraid of how he’s going to feel when I leave him or when I’m not there when he gets upset or wakes up from a nap. I’m worried about this change completely changing his awesome personality or the way that he loves me. Gahhhh this sucks to write, and I can’t even see the screen anymore. I just want it to be Clayton and mommy, mommy and Clayton, FOREVER. πŸ’•

How did you get over the pain and fear? I think I’m a lost cause at this point. πŸ™

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5 thoughts on “Why is it so Hard?

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  1. I totally hear ya, momma! I cried for a month straight before I returned to work, and I cried for at least a month straight after I returned to work. It does get easier, but thank goodness we love our little ones enough that it hurts to not be with them. And it will make you cherish the times that you do get to snuggle that much more. I also truly think that having running goals has helped keep me from focusing too much on things that I can’t control. Lots of love to you, momma! XOXO

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  2. I wish I could say the feelings you are feeling go away. But they don’t. You get into a routine and become distracted. My little dude has been in daycare for over three months now and I got teary eyed reading your post and thinking about the firsts I miss. My husband constantly reminds me we will still witness those “firsts” when he does it for the first time with us. We won’t know if it’s the first time ever or if it’s the first time we’ve seen it. Either way we still get to witness the awe and joy of the moment. I pray for you as you cherish your last week together as that time goes to quickly and that first day apart is terrible. You will get through it and you will both survive!!

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  3. Ugh. For. Real. I just went through this when my little man was 3 months old (about 3 months ago!!) I cried and cried. I hated it. I drafted my resignation letter. I talked to my husband at length about staying home and why I NEED to be home. He talked to me about why I need to be saving for retirement and college funds….I HATED it. I told myself that I will not complain about it for the next month. Then that stretched to the month after that…and now, I still think that I would absolutely LOVE to stay home, but i know he’s getting good care at daycare and he actually really loves being with other babies. Warning – I got really sad again when he got sick for the first time…Good luck mama, you got this.

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  4. I think my biggest fear is that Riley will do new things with our sitter and I’ll miss the firsts. I think it’s a normal fear of all moms. I always hoped that me leaving would be harder on me then her because it would kill me if it was hard for her! I think as time goes on you will start to feel better but it never gets easier!

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  5. First, I’ve remembered to be very, very grateful that I got 12 weeks of paid maternity leave. My employer’s policy changed from 6 to 12 while I was pregnant, and most of my friends have only enjoyed 6 weeks! Second, I “keep my eye on the prize” which is possibly being able to stay home or work part time in the future. My husband and I spent a lot of time talking through some family and financial goals. If I can suck it up for a little longer, I’m hopeful that by the time my kid (plus others in the future) are school aged, I’ll be able to be there for them ALL THE TIME! And finally, I have a GREAT personal relationship with our babysitter. My daughter is there 12+ hours a day, and I feel so much guilt for that. But because I love our caregiver so much and know she has my daughters best interests at heart, I feel better!

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